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A Transplant Journey-The Realization

All that I want Is to wake up fine Tell me that I'm alright That I ain't gonna die... Hard Times Gonna make you wonder why you even try Hard times Gonna take you down and laugh when you cry These lives And I still don't know how I even survive “Hard Times”, Paramore I see my nephrologist often.. The latest appointment was a disappointment. I am not filtering out my potassium. Thanks broken kidneys! The medication for it is really expensive, and my insurance makes me pay up front and then they reimbursement. That means I have to watch my potassium and, to do that, I have to have a strict diet. The first things to go? Fruit. Alabama summers have amazing fruit (peaches reach farther than Georgia). Watermelon--heck any melon, kiwi, bananas, and mangoes are out the door. This is sad because my routine included four once of of mango juice in the mornings to take my medicine, and I loved it. Also, off the menu? Potatoes. Well, unless they are boiled. I can eat mashed potatoes and, amazingly, potato salad. I'll miss my baked potatoes but at least I can have something. I am looking at new recipes I can enjoy with potatoes and try to forget the fried type exists. It's been hard. Between the lack of yummy fruits, dealing with the 10,000 step goal, I get pretty down. As someone with chronic pain, the increased exercise is hard. Walking with full aerobic benefits is hard too. It's all hard because it hurts and it exhausts me. I love walking especially in nature. I used to have a great place for the cats and I to walk. Now I have a decedent place but it's on a road, and my animals have to stay behind. I had gotten to the point where I was doing good with walking and even went on a hike! Then COVID hit and my body decided it couldn't do anything right. I tried to build up after that but the exhaustion from my kidney disease and pain from mixed connective tissue disease is hard to over come. Due to pain and exhaustion, something I used to love makes me unhappy. I shied away from doing it for my own relief. But here's the thing: the thing about walking, about the potassium headache and all this rigmarole to get on the transplant list: I have a terminal illness. It is killing me. Slowly. It can be worse; I'm not on dialysis yet. But I am close to it. My kidneys are taking me down, and, sometimes, I will just sit down and cry. People tell me I'm strong. But all I am doing is trying to live. To not die with every cell in my body, even if it exhausts me. Maybe that is strength, and I am stronger than I ever believed.

Audrey Elaine Adamson |Instagram: @spoononthewall


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